I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL

CHRISTINE

I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL
BECAUSE IT’S THE BEST
BECAUSE IT IS FUN

I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL
AND I GET DEPRESSED
AS SOON AS IT’S DONE

BUT NOT DEPRESSED AS IN, LIKE, “KILL YOURSELF” DEPRESSED
NO, I’M NOT INTO SELF HARM
DUDE, I SWEAR, HERE, CHECK MY ARM

SEE, I JUST USED THE WORD TO EMPHASIZE A POINT
SHOW THE PASSION THAT I’VE GOT
I AM PASSIONATE A LOT

I HAVE MAD GIGANTIC FEELINGS
RAD AND FRANTIC FEELINGS
ABOUT MOST EVERYTHING
LIKE GUN CONTROL, LIKE SPRING
LIKE IF I’M LIVING UP TO ALL I’M MEANT TO BE
I ALSO HAVE A TOUCH OF A.D.D

Where was I?
Oh, right

I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL
‘CAUSE YOU ARE EQUIPPED
WITH DIRECTIONS AND TEXT

LIFE IS EASY IN REHEARSAL
YOU FOLLOW A SCRIPT
SO YOU KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT

ANYWHO THE POINT THAT I’M GETTING TO IS SOMETIMES LIFE CAN’T
WORK OUT IN THE WAY
IT WORKS OUT IN THE PLAY
LIKE THE ONLY TIME I GET TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION
IS WHEN I’M JULIET OR BLANCHE DUBOIS AND CAN I MENTION

That was really one of my best roles
Did you see that?

AND NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY
IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO NARROW DOWN
THE MANY REASONS WHY-Y-Y

I LOVE PLAY REHEARSAL
I HAPPINESS CRY
WHENEVER IT STARTS

IT’S JUST SO UNIVERSAL
GETTING TO TRY
PLAYING SO MANY PARTS

MOST HUMANS DO ONE THING FOR ALL OF THEIR LIVES
THE THOUGHT OF THAT GIVES ME HIVES

I’VE GOT SO MANY INTERESTS I WANT TO PURSUE
AND WHY AM I TELLING THIS TO YOU?
GUESS THERE’S A PART OF ME THAT WANTS TO

BACK TO PLAY REHEARSAL
MY BRAIN IS LIKE BZZZZ
MY HEART IS LIKE WOW
BECAUSE WE’RE HERE AT PLAY REHEARSAL

AND IT’S STARTING
WE’RE STARTING
IT’S STARTING
SOON
OOH

THE SQUIP SONG

RICH

FRESHMAN YEAR
I DIDN’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND OR A CLUE
I WAS A LOSER JUST LIKE YOU
GOOD TIMES WOULD ONLY
SOAR BY

I WAS GROSS
AS EVERY FEMALE WOULD ATTEST
MY SEXTING WAS A FUTILE QUEST
MY LITTLE PENIS WAS DEPRESSED
HE WAS SO LONELY
POOR GUY
I WAS
HOPELESS, HOPELESS
I WAS
HELPLESS, HELPLESS
EVERY TIME I’D WALK THE HALLWAY
I WOULD TRIP
I WAS
STAGNANT AND IDLE
I WAS
SO SUICIDAL
AND THEN
THEN, THEN
THEN, THEN
THEN, THEN
THEN, THEN
THEN, THEN
THEN, THEN I GOT A SQUIP

JEREMY
You got quick?

RICH
Not quick. Squip.

JEREMY
I’ve just never heard of it before.

RICH
That’s the point. This is some top-secret-can’t-even-look-it-up-on-the-internet shit.

IT’S FROM JAPAN
IT’S A GREY OBLONG PILL
QUANTUM NANOTECHNOLOGY C-P-U
THE QUANTUM COMPUTER IN THE PILL
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH YOUR BLOOD UNTIL
IT IMPLANTS IN YOUR BRAIN AND IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO

JEREMY
So it’s like … drugs?

RICH
It’s better than drugs, Jeremy.

(ensemble backups throughout the following)

IT’S FROM JAPAN
IT’S A GREY OBLONG PILL
QUANTUM NANOTECHNOLOGY C-P-U
THE QUANTUM COMPUTER IN THE PILL
WILL TRAVEL THROUGH YOUR BLOOD UNTIL
IT IMPLANTS IN YOUR BRAIN AND IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO
IT TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO

IT’S PRE-PROGRAMMED
IT’S AMAZING
SPEAKS TO YOU DIRECTLY
YOU BEHAVE AS
IT’S APPRAISING
HELPS YOU ACT CORRECTLY

HELPS YOU TO BE COOL
IT HELPS YOU RULE

PICTURE THIS
NOBODY CARES IF YOU ARE LATE
‘CAUSE EVEN TEACHERS THINK YOU’RE GREAT
YOUR WEEKEND’S JUST A FULL-ON SLATE OF BLOWOUT BENDERS
OF TEENAGE ROCKSTAR SPLENDORS

RIGHT NOW YOU’RE
HELPLESS, HELPLESS
YOU ARE
ALMOST HOPELESS
ON THE
SCHOOL SOCIAL MAP YOU’RE JUST A BLIP
BUT IF YOU
TAKE MY ADVICE AND IF YOU PAY THE LISTED PRICE
WELL,
THEN YOU GO FROM SAD TO INTERESTING
TO HIP, YEAH, YOUR WHOLE LIFE WILL FLIP
WHEN YOU BUY A SQUIP

(ensemble backups throughout the following)

HEY, YEAH, A SQUIP
HEY, A SQUIP
HEY YEAH
NO LONGER A DRIP WHEN YOU GOT IN YOUR GRIP
A SQUIP
A SQUIP
A SQUIP

MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM

MICHAEL
I AM HANGING IN THE BATHROOM
AT THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE FALL
I COULD STAY RIGHT HERE OR DISAPPEAR
AND NOBODY’D EVEN NOTICE AT ALL

I’M A CREEPER IN A BATHROOM
‘CAUSE MY BUDDY KINDA LEFT ME ALONE
BUT I’D RATHER FAKE PEE THAN STAND AWKWARDLY
OR PRETEND TO CHECK A TEXT ON MY PHONE

EVERYTHING FELT FINE
WHEN I WAS HALF OF A PAIR
NOW THROUGH NO FAULT OF MINE
THERE’S NO OTHER HALF THERE
NOW I’M JUST
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY
FORGET HOW LONG IT’S BEEN
I’M JUST
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY
NO, YOU CAN’T COME IN
I’M WAITING IT OUT TILL IT’S TIME TO LEAVE
AND PICKING AT GROUT AS I SOFTLY GRIEVE
I’M JUST MICHAEL WHO YOU DON’T KNOW
MICHAEL FLYING SOLO
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF
ALL BY HIMSELF

I AM HIDING, BUT HE’S OUT THERE
JUST IGNORING ALL OUR HISTORY
MEMORIES GET ERASED
THEN I’LL GET REPLACED
WITH A NEWER COOLER VERSION OF ME

AND I HEAR A DRUNK GIRL
SING ALONG TO WHITNEY THROUGH THE DOOR
“I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY”
AND MY FEELINGS SINK
‘CAUSE IT MAKES ME THINK
NOW THERE’S NO ONE TO MAKE FUN OF DRUNK GIRLS WITH ANYMORE
NOW IT’S JUST

MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY
I HALF REGRET THE BEERS
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY
AS I CHOKE BACK THE TEARS
I’LL WAIT AS LONG AS I NEED TILL MY FACE IS DRY
OR I’LL JUST BLAME IT ON WEED OR SOMETHING IN MY EYE
I’M JUST MICHAEL WHO YOU DON’T KNOW
MICHAEL FLYING SOLO
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK
THEY’RE GONNA START TO SHOUT SOON
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK
AW HELL, YEAH I’LL BE OUT SOON
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK
IT SUCKS HE LEFT ME HERE ALONE
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK
HERE IN THIS TEENAGE BATTLE ZONE
CLANG, CLANG, CLANG, CLANG
I FEEL THE PRESSURE BLOWING UP
BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG
MY BIG MISTAKE WAS SHOWING UP
SPLASH, SPLASH, SPLASH, SPLASH
I THROW SOME WATER IN MY FACE
AND I AM IN A BETTER PLACE
I GO TO OPEN UP THE DOOR
BUT I CAN’T HEAR KNOCKING ANYMORE

AND I CAN’T HELP BUT YEARN
FOR A DIFFERENT TIME
AND THEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR
AND THE PRESENT IS CLEARER
AND THERE’S NO DENYING
I’M JUST

AT A PARTY

IS THERE A SADDER SIGHT THAN

(hums)

MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM AT A PARTY?
THIS IS A HEINOUS NIGHT
I WISH I STAYED AT HOME IN BED WATCHING CABLE PORN
OR WISH I OFFED MYSELF INSTEAD
WISH I WAS NEVER BORN
I’M JUST MICHAEL WHO’S A LONER
SO HE MUST BE A STONER
RIDES A PT CRUISER
GOD, HE’S SUCH A LOSER
MICHAEL FLYING SOLO
WHO YOU THINK THAT YOU KNOW
MICHAEL IN THE BATHROOM BY HIMSELF
ALL BY HIMSELF
ALL BY HIMSELF

WELL ALL YOU KNOW ABOUT ME IS MY NAME
AWESOME PARTY
I’M SO GLAD I CAME